10 Things Drag Queens Taught Me (And How I've Applied Them)

It's no secret that I am a huge fan of Drag.

This is of all forms of Drag too. Everyone who knows me knows I love Drag Race and have done since I started watching at Season 5. But, my love of Drag goes far beyond just Drag Race. I enjoy all forms of Drag.

Drag itself and Drag performers have taught me an endless number of essential lessons. Things that I apply to my every day and think about constantly. I'd like to share them with you.

Number 1

It was never about like, getting famous, so that you can survive on your own... because I preferred surviving with her

~Trixie Mattel, 'Trixie Mattel: Moving Parts' (2019)

Not only is this quote heart-wrenching, but it's so unplanned and vulnerable that you can feel the truth in it. It occurs in a documentary that was intended to be a light-hearted, behind-the-scenes look at Trixie's life, but ended up a true-to-life, honest depiction of friendship, addiction and the pressure of show business.

This quote shows Trixie's love for Katya and the authenticity behind the friendship; something that characterised their seemingly random success with the fans. The virality of their YouTube show 'UNHhhh' has always been questioned because, ultimately, it doesn't make much sense. But their comedy together and the way they bounce off each other was so organic, unique and authentic that fans fell in love. This documentary, though not what Trixie intended, shone a light on what they're like together behind the YouTube show and it lived up to expectations tenfold.

At this moment, Katya is going through a relapse in her recovery from addiction. It's implied that the pressure of virality and fame, especially on a level that was probably beyond either of their expectations, had a role to play. At the point Trixie says this quote, it is up in the air whether their show will continue and whether their duo will continue; Katya had expressed the need for space and boundaries. Trixie's inclination to think about how she wouldn't want the fame, money and success without the company of her best friend is admirable. It reminds me to focus on experiences and the people around me; to focus on the here and now with the people I love.

Trixie could have so easily been offended by Katya's behaviour and moved on with her career. But showing love, compassion and consideration for her best friend and colleague she chose the path that would maximise her happiness and life fulfilment rather than what would maximise her bank account and career. Now, fortunately, Trixie's career and her relationship with Katya benefitted from her choice, and potentially that's part of the lesson. Sometimes these kinds of decisions won't necessarily lead to net benefits in both love and money. Regardless, the successful outcome of Trixie and Katya's mended relationship may lend itself to the lesson that if you live Life seeking to maximise your happiness through love and people, success (as defined by money, career, and wealth) will follow. The important part of the lesson, though, is that choosing love and friendship will always lead to success (as defined by happiness).

It's a lesson that I so often forget but must remember. Life is not about just surviving, it's about surviving alongside people that make survival feel more like thriving.

I think about this quote often because it epitomises this lesson so aptly. For example, I have had an instinct to move city, change my environment and uproot my life in my recovery. This comes from a fear of and a resistance to improving upon my flaws and facing my issues. Leaning into this instinct may be beneficial to my career, or even monetarily, but my problems would follow me and eventually catch up with me. And on top of that, I'd be isolating myself from my family and friends; the people I've built long-standing relationships with who understand me and fulfill me.

Independent survival is brave and admirable, but survival with your loved ones would be far happier.

Number 2

In an effort to make things good with you in the future, I've got to make things good with me right now

~ Katya Zamolochikova, Instagram (2024)

This quote from Katya comes from a recent Instagram post. She announced that she had found herself squarely and firmly in a rehabilitation institution. This meant that she had relapsed and needed to recentre her recovery. The announcement came because she needed to reschedule tour dates and inform ticket holders of the cancellation.

Not only is this brave, but it's admirable and contains a key lesson about my, and all of our, journeys. Katya has always been open about her struggles with addiction, but even so, admitting you've faltered or strayed from your very public path is far from easy. She showed honesty, authenticity and, importantly, integrity. But it's not really about the fans, she showed these characteristics primarily to herself; that's the important part.

She references in her quote how her decision to readmit herself is to make things good with herself now. In today's society, standing up for yourself and setting much-needed boundaries can be seen as self-catering and self-centred, which is partially what makes it so scary. It may be both of those things, but what is negative about catering for yourself in times of need? Or recentering on yourself when you find you have strayed from the important internal promises you've made to yourself? If anything, being very self-catering and self-centred when it is necessary is miles better than being minutely self-catering and self-centred all the time.

Katya has given so much of herself to the fans and taking the time to say, "Actually, no, this is for me and I need this" is an immense feat. I think the lesson here is invaluable. To me, it reminds me to always check in with myself, to always keep my recovery and journey in mind, to evaluate where it is and to ensure it stays at the centre. More than that, though, Katya's quote teaches me that caring for yourself and understanding when you need a break is not selfish and does not mean you'll be cutting people off/out forever. To make things good with those you love in the future, the only path to doing so is to make things good with yourself right now.

This quote is not originally from Katya herself, I've heard it around the groups and meetings. But, the context in which she says it and must say it is what empowers it here. She's sacrificing a lot and admitting herself through a process she probably does not truly want to go through, but knows she must. To put this on Instagram for her millions of followers, to show such vulnerability is a great lesson in how authentic, honest and open communication will always yield the best results; with others and especially with yourself.

Authentic and honest vulnerability is imperative to clear and quality communication. Healthy boundary setting is hinged on clear communication.

Number 3

5 G's, please. Good God Get a Grip, Girl

~ Latrice Royale, 'RuPaul's Drag Race: Season 4' (2012)

Time for a bit more of a fun one. Drag Queens have taught me all sorts of things and that includes lessons of fun, easygoing laidbackness too.

Latrice coined the 5 Gs back in season 4 of Drag Race and it has stuck with me ever since. The short and snappy style of it makes it easy to remember. However, the context in which Latrice says it makes it (dare I say) iconic. In season 4, Latrice was always fun and never took anything too seriously. She called out tomfoolery when she saw it (Snatch Game) but also called out some queens' lack of fun and overly serious approach to Drag. Her use of the famous and easily quotable '5 Gs' is in response to Dida Ritz doing just that.

Dida is concerned about enforcing stereotypes in a photoshoot challenge. Dida's concerns are understandable and she even says she avoids eating chicken in public for the same reasons. But Latrice's response is not only succinct but it pinpoints exactly what I tend to forget. So often it can be easy to find yourself so close to something that you can't see the wood from amongst the trees, Latrice's short and snappy read puts that into perspective. As I said, Dida's response is understandable and her anxiety makes sense, considering she is aware she's on camera in front of a very wide audience. But Drag Race is a show about silly comedy, extravagant fashion, multifaceted talent and, ultimately, fun. That's why they say the winner needs to have Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent. What Dida is showing with her worry is, potentially, a lack of nerve. The thing is when you spend so much time worrying about how you're going to come across, you'll probably come across as uptight, nervous or anxious. Or, worse, you won't come across at all.

Drag Race itself is one context where this quote and mentality are relevant, but it's very easily transferrable. But, Drag Race is, in part, about how the queens come across and how the fans respond. Latrice, who comes across brilliantly, exemplifies just how she does so in her short quote.

The 5 Gs, themselves, are something I very often say to myself. Its humour and fun often help me to calm down or chill out by reminding me of a funny moment from the show, a fondness for Drag, Drag Queens and the show. But also telling myself 'Good God, Get a Grip Girl' is funny and instantly remedies any building anxiety because it is just that, funny. What makes it even better is that following this quote, Latrice says 'You're a dude... in a wig...'. She quickly and succinctly disarms the concerns that Dida is having and recontextualises them in something closer to reality. Dida is worrying about something so much bigger than herself, something that implicates conversations about socio-political tensions. Meanwhile, she's competing on a Drag show, and in an episode where the main challenge is to make a fashionable apocalypse outfit out of items looted from drag queen zombies (AKA Queens from previous seasons). Despite, the validity of Dida's concerns in a wider social context, when you bring it back to the specific context she is currently in like Larice does, it just seems ridiculous, doesn't it?

As Latrice does with Dida's concerns, framing my issues in that way, as so much smaller than they seem, is extremely helpful and calming. There's advice out there about undermining that negative voice in your head to make the insecurity and anxiety, therefore putting into question the validity of what it's saying. The example I've always heard is renaming that voice in your head as some pedant, like the annoying colleague at the office - sarcastically responding to that voice with: 'Thanks for your reaaally useful input, Diane' and 'Maybe take a walk, Brenda'. The problem with renaming that voice and responding to it as separate from yourself is that it can dissociate the voice from yourself. This is why Latrice's example works even better. The silliness in bluntly acknowledging reality is what makes it.

Calming myself is something I've worked on a lot recently because I find that the majority of the time, I'm on edge and anxious. I use Headspace a lot, but I can't always do a meditation session wherever I am. So, I turn to mottos. Keeping calm by seeing the ridiculousness in your madness is the most effective way I've found to soothe anxieties. In the grand scheme of life, what issue of mine can be so great, so insurmountable, so overwhelming that I can't just get a grip?

I'm just a dude in a wig, what can be so bad it's worth getting this worked up about?

Number 4

When you feel your own oats so hard, you forget that there are other oats there

~ Scarlet Envy, 'RuPaul's Drag Race: Season 11' (2019)

One thing Drag Race is really good at is an underdog story. The satisfaction felt when a queen who is doubted proves everyone wrong is never amiss on the show and, I would argue that it's the best reality competition show at providing underdog narratives or redemption arcs. Some that come to mind are Yvie Oddly, Chi Chi DeVayne, Tatianna, Adore Delano and, of course, the clearest example and, probably, the best underdog arc ever... Jinkx Monsoon.

Now, the underdog or the redeemed doesn't have to win. Most don't. They just have to prove everyone who doubted them wrong and establish themself as a Drag Race mainstay. Drag Race has so many underdog/redemption arcs and some of them occur within runs of just a couple of episodes. A prime example of that is Scarlet Envy. Discounted from the start of her first season, Season 11, Scarlet struggles to make her mark in the first few episodes. But, today, Scarlet Envy has featured in 3 seasons of Drag Race: Season 11, All Stars 6, and most recently, UKvsThe World Season 2. So, she has clearly made her mark.

Episode 1 passes Scarlet by and as they enter Episode 2 and find out it is an Improv Acting challenge, the Queens have to select their groups in the style of a schoolyard pick. This tactic is always used by the show to generate drama and it is so often successful. In this case, it sets Scarlet up for her underdog tale. Scarlet is picked last, to her (and, to be honest, my) shock. It's unclear why they choose the way they do, but with the challenge in mind, it seems like the other Queens are doubting her abilities. Scarlet goes on to win that episode in a joint victory with, a similarly discounted queen, Yvie Oddly.

That fact of her underdog status is what makes this quote from her so impactful. But, this quote is from the start of Episode 2 and so before she wins. This means that not only does she prove everyone doubting her wrong, but she calls them out for doubting her and obsessing over themselves too much before she wins. She had complete and utter faith in her abilities and did not waver in those skills when they were put to the test and she called out people for treating her with disregard and disrespect (before proving them wrong). She called their bluff and firmly established herself as a competition threat - all in one episode.

For me, there is a lot to take from this lesson. I often find that, at the moment, I struggle to react and respond to the events around me in line with how they make me feel. It's typically after the fact that I realise the impact on my feelings of whatever was said or happened. I get so caught up in people pleasing and protecting others' feelings that I neglect to take stock of my own feelings. I think the root of this is, in tandem with my people-pleasing, a lack of faith in my worth and capabilities. Scarlet's quote reminds me that sometimes people will purposefully (not necessarily consciously) put you down to make themselves feel better and it is not only your right but also your obligation to call them out for it.

Similarly to Latrice's quote, there is a certain humour and campness in Scarlet's quote and that's what draws me to it. The ridiculousness and silliness of the overwhelming amount of gay lingo to the point it is almost confusing makes the quote funny and, importantly, memorable. The relatability of feeling discounted is made instantly more accessible by language that is fun and laidback. If the quote had been overtly self-aggrandising or intellectually critical then it would've failed to hit home the key point; that Scarlet knows her worth, these other queens don't, and she is about to show them. It's an easy and fun way to remind myself, in the moment, why what someone is saying does not reflect on me and recognise bullsh*t as bullsh*t.

Because, honestly, if you're not going to feel your own oats, then your oats will never get felt. And that... is a travesty.

Number 5

It's better to hurt and see the truth rather than for you to lie to yourself

~ Jiggly Caliente, 'Bring Back My Girls: All Stars 6' (2024)

This next quote is a bit left-field, especially in terms of source. By that, I don't mean the queen who says it, but the source material. It comes from a recap show for Drag Race that is only accessible through WowPresents Plus.

Bring Back My Girls provides a reunion episode for all of the seasons of Drag Race that didn't have one themselves. Hosted by Ts Madison, she brings back the girls from specific seasons and hashes out the drama. As Ts Madison does, the show itself is entertaining and hilarious, but it also tends to open up conversations that fans feel were missed out on during the show. It's rather an untapped and underappreciated show for the full spectrum of juicy drama to poignant conversation.

The episode for All Stars 6 is where this quote comes from. Jiggly Caliente is part of the cast and though, on the actual season, she was an early out she has one of the more memorable parts of this episode. The quote itself is a response to a fan question. The fan says "I think drag queens should be doing masterclasses on self-acceptance and confidence, because if more people had self-acceptance we'd have a much better world. And so, Jiggly, what's some wisdom you could give us all about your own self-acceptance journey?"

The question alone begs an understanding of what it is like to grow up feeling immense, chronic shame for something you have no power to change. That alone prepares you for an answer, a lesson, a motto that distils it all and explains the path to restoration.

That's not what Jiggly's quote is, because it never could be. There is no cure-all answer like that. Instead, her quote is a reminder that the painful journey of unpacking and processing is the only and necessary path to healing. As much as there is no quick fix, there is no painless option. Pain is the reminder that we're alive and so, to reach self-acceptance we're going to need to accept that we're alive. The fan asking the question asks it earnestly, and it is good that they did. But even asking the question seems to seek an easy, discernible, and followable-like-an-instruction-manual, solution. Jiggly explains, through her own experience, that there is a solution but it is not any of those things.

Jiggly makes it clear that honesty to yourself is the first step and honesty may mean facing everything that terrifies you and that hurts you. She uses her own experience to assert what we all know to be true; the combo deal of truth and pain is better than the combo deal of numbness and deception. Her quote has many layers for me and its myriad ways of applying it are self-explanatory. But, it's a useful quote to have as a reminder. The journey is not linear and, I'm sure we all know that there are times when you slip up or forget. This phrase is that motivational kick in the ass that you need when you feel like you just can't do it anymore or when, even with the little things, you want to give in.

I'm learning more and more that the little things matter, maybe they matter the most, because that's where it all starts and that's how you build yourself up brick by brick. There are times when I get home from work and I sit on my bed and I want to just lie down, get in bed and not do the things I know I should; the little things. It's not necessarily because I had a bad day, or that I'm in a bad mood. Moreso, my energy for pushing onward wanes and the voices in my body that want me to give in and put in less effort rear their heads. Maybe it's not brushing my teeth, not doing my skin routine, not putting away my laundry, even watching that film I wanted to watch, or writing that blog post or recording that podcast. Constantly trying is tiring, but to constantly try is to cultivate good habits, establish good mental pathways and explore yourself. Jiggly's quote is even applicable here.

It's better to lose a few times in the battle against your negative habits than for you to never lose because you allowed them to overwhelm you.

Number 6

I love myself but I don't like the way that I am

~ Trixie Mattel, 'UNHhhh' (2020)

This is kind of a funny one. As in, I mean it in a humorous way (kind of). It comes from the Trixie & Katya web series 'UNHhhh' which is notoriously a comedy show where the duo's madness is displayed with matching crazy editing in an absurdistly funny fashion. I've loved this show since it started and it's what made me, and probably most, a fan of Trixie. I love Katya too, but this quote doesn't come from her.

I definitely idolise Trixie. She's a success story that succeeded against the odds. Today she's arguably the most successful Drag Queen to come from the show, but on her original season, she went home 11th (to return for 2 episodes later on but I digress). This kind of success against the odds is motivational and inspirational. I suppose this is why I hold some of what she says so sacredly, but that's also because she tends to say some of the most poignant things in the most hilariously off-hand way. Some of the most important lessons come from these moments.

This quote, in particular, is one of my favourite moments because it is so funny. The sigh, the forlorn look and the tone as if she's giving in; it's all so perfectly theatric in a context of comedy and humour. It makes me laugh every time. But even as I laugh, I recognise what she is saying and part of the fun is that it is all so relatable. Potentially, that is the power of Trixie's comedy and of her capability to be so emotionally vulnerable whilst protecting herself. She's always been open about her relationship with her abusive stepdad and how he inspired her namesake (alongside her love of Barbie and dolls). Her humanness is apparent and to see someone who represents me be damaged, be honest about their damage, be comfortable with its existence and still succeed is what makes her inspiring.

I mentioned her humanness, and it is that quality that makes this quote worthy of making this list. It's human. It points towards and pokes fun at a quality of being human; to feel two opposing feelings at once. There's more to it than that, but fundamentally the quote is so clearly a human experience and its comedy is the vehicle in which it is digestible, palatable and memorable.

The concept of loving oneself has always been hard to grasp for me. Maybe it's my overly logical, pragmatic mind or maybe it's the deep-rooted issues around self-worth and value. Maybe it's both. But I never quite understood it because, as I'm sure a lot of us can relate, I know my flaws and I remember all the things I've done wrong and these make up the bulk of the files in the folder on 'Reasons I Don't Deserve Love'. I joke. But in all seriousness, this quote distils a feeling that I've been trying to articulate recently. Loving myself is a chore and a lesson that I'm coming to, but there's always the emotional block of things I don't like about myself. On the path to loving myself, I find myself stuck between loving myself for the sake of it and hating myself for the things I see as wrong about me. But what Trixie says here, as a funny little moment on UNHhhh, is exactly what I'm feeling; I do love myself, but I just don't like certain things about the way I am.

Loving yourself is - by definition - in spite of your flaws; it's unconditional. The things you or I don't like about ourselves aren't fixed and, though they'll change, they'll probably always be there. Why waste life loving yourself conditionally for a facet of the human condition; flaws?

Number 7

You don’t have to bend the whole world. I think it’s better to just enjoy it. Pay your dues, and just enjoy it

~ Dorian Corey, Paris is Burning (1990)

Paris is Burning is the monumentally impactful documentary about the ballroom scene in New York in the 80s. It features many famous drag queens from the scene such as Crystal LeBeija and Dorian Corey, who this quote comes from. I wanted to steer at least one quote away from Drag Race and the queens of Drag Race. The show is a big source of my exposure and experience of drags and a lot of the queens I idolise come from there. However, as I said at the start, I love all of drag. I wanted this list to reflect that and so I've taken a quote from Paris is Burning.

Dorian Corey is a very famous drag figure from the 980s and is featured in Wigstock as well as Jennie Livingston's documentary. She was very successful in the ballroom scene, won a lot and was a very highly respected Mother. One thing that really comes across in Paris is Burning is how Drag queens, such as Dorian Corey, tend to be extremely wise. It was probably more common to come across such wise queens back in the 1980s because the hardship they all endured for our community taught them a lot of tough lessons in a very swift manner. This is why, I believe, quotes like this can be found in abundance from the likes of Corey.

It is a difficult lesson - the one that Corey speaks of. It's one that gay people tend to have to learn early on. That the world is what the world is and there is only so much that you can change, you're never going to be able to affect every single person's belief and so there will always be people who disagree with you. The best you can do is: change what you can, let go of the rest, and enjoy yourself.

The lesson itself is one I'm probably still grappling with. I have a certain deep-rooted desire to affect change; to have some grand legacy and to impart so great mark on the world. In reality and truth, very very very few get that ability and the question of their enjoyment of that duty can often be contested. I'm attempting to unlearn that and it is a process, but Dorian Corey's quote is a great way to remember why. If we buy into the narrative that we tell ourselves of some greater purpose and some fated greater meaning for our lives then we rob ourselves of the one thing that we do have to enjoy; LIFE.

One thing Corey stresses is to 'pay your dues' and I'm sure that's a holdover from the crueller society of the 1980s and how her community was even more unlikely to break into the mainstream. But that is the power of her quote. Even in the face of even greater adversity, than I can probably imagine, she manages to interpret, understand and verbalise a lesson that would be essential for living a fulfilling life - especially as someone in showbiz, and especially as an LGBTQ+ person in the 1980s.

Arguably, the adversity faced forcefully bred this lesson, but I'm not a fan of that kind of thinking because it takes away from the greatness of the person who preached it. If adversity alone were the sole source of great lessons, then such great lessons would be in far more abundance than they are.

In the end, you not only don't have to bend the whole world but you can't - it is not worth it. Your sole purpose in life should be to enjoy it. Enjoy it and help others enjoy theirs.

Number 8

If you're early you're on time, if you're on time you're late, and if you're late you're fired

~ Laganja Estranja, Very Delta with Delta Work (2022)

This is the first quote on this list that I've actively and successfully used and recommended to friends. Though every quote on this list is useful and I try to use them, they're often more life-lesson-based quotes that tend to be good to apply, but always difficult. Love myself? Sure, I'll try. Remember your worth even when people doubt you? Good advice, I'll try to keep it in mind. Get a grip? I wish I could.

I joke - I mean that these quotes are good things to keep and say to myself when the relevant context or emotion arises. But that's the point; they're reactive. I like them, but find I only apply and remember them when the context or emotion has already arisen. They're a brilliant way to talk me down and slow my roll. This quote is different. This quote I have used in my everyday life constantly since I heard it.

Similar to the Katya quote, I'm sure this isn't originally a Laganja quote. But this is where I heard it so this is who I think of when I quote it and whom I will attribute it to. Regardless, the base-level lesson is simple; don't be late. Or more specifically, be early. However, as someone who often has anxiety about being late or being too early (and whose ADHD leaves me ready to go way ahead of time or late because I couldn't find the executive function to get up and get ready in time), it's a good way to soothe myself. Instead of getting overwhelmed and so starting to get ready late, or getting prepared early and sitting on my bed waiting to leave because I'm anxious I'll be too early, a quote like this makes it simple. It's not a problem to be too early and, in fact, being early is just being on time.

This quote has really helped me in my career. I've recommended it to friends and colleagues. Even senior leadership took notice of my punctuality. It is a very positive and helpful lesson to learn and to instil into your life. I learnt it from Drag queens who are talking about arriving on time to the gig. The irony is that the ongoing stereotype is that Drag queens are notoriously late. Regardless, Laganja's quote is about arriving early or on time to the gig because your pay can often be affected by your tardiness. This doesn't apply to my job or most jobs, but the essence of the lesson is still there; tardiness might not always be a mark against you, but punctuality will never be.

That's how I live my life now; if you're ready to go then just leave, because no one will judge you for being early.

Number 9

When they're good, [relationships] are not that hard and they're not that much work

~ Trixie Mattel, 'The Bald and the Beautiful: Three Bald Men Deciding Who Looks More Like This Bald Man with David Silver' (2020)

This quote has a lot of personal history and resonance for me. It's also a lot more niche. It comes from a very early episode of Trixie & Katya's podcast. However, Trixie also held this belief and similar on many other pieces of media. The podcast is where there's a clear and direct quote, however, I recall the idea of what Trixie is saying from much earlier than 2020.

When I first heard it, I held instantaneous disagreement and rejection of the idea. I refused to believe in the idea that relationships were easy or, at least, that they weren't hard. There's context to that which helps explain my fear of Trixie's truth. Ultimately, I was in a toxic and difficult relationship that had proved far more work than it was worth. I was managing his finances, saving him money, helping him pay off debts, dealing with his insecurities, graduating from university, trying to instil intimacy in the relationship, travelling up and down via train to see him, and doing shifts at his pub to help out. This was all while I was feeling he had disconnected from me in any romantic fashion.

At the time, I was incapable of seeing the problems there and felt that it must be what relationships were: hard work. When Trixie confronted my belief with her quote, I refused to evaluate my situation with what she had said and instead rejected it as plainly wrong. But she is right. I've not been in a relationship since, but my experience of a 3-year relationship that ended badly and left me damaged versus Trixie's experience of a long-term, still-going relationship that seems supportive and loving should be evidence enough.

It is a difficult lesson to accept, but, ultimately it makes sense. Relationships are for love, partnership and togetherness and the experience should be, overall, one of enjoyment and not one of difficulty, contention and drama. What the quote is not saying, however, is that relationships will never be tricky, or that they will never bring up difficult feelings. Relationships are two people spending an immense amount of time together so, inevitably, disagreements and conflict will come up. It is the response that is important. If you love someone, then making sacrifices, bettering yourself, apologising and making amends should be a no-brainer; they should be an easy decision. In a relationship that is toxic and negative like mine was, apologising and making amends feels like you are 'losing' or like a defeat. That is why it feels like hard work, because you feel like you're consistently putting yourself out for the better of your partner, and likely feel like you don't get the same back - in some cases, you both feel the same way about each other.

It's hard to explain this quote any further because I've yet to experience a relationship that is truly loving, accepting and fulfilling to its core. This quote functions as a reminder of what it should be. It is so easy for me to fall into the same traps in dating over and over. I've shared on my podcast before about experiences with dating guys where they show their true colours (often eerily similar colours to my ex) and my instant reaction is to kowtow and appease them. It's only when I give time to think that I realise this is exactly what I experienced before and feels like hard work. The lesson from Trixie's quote echoes in my mind and I remember that I am far too good to be mollycoddling grown men with unchecked baggage and insecurity problems. It does mean I find myself to still be single, but it also means I'm not wasting time with useless and hurtful men in relationships that will inevitably fail down the line (unless he, and I, go to therapy).

I'd much rather have an easier time caring for myself and be single than have a boyfriend who acts more like my dependent and pre-pubescent child.

Number 10

If you don't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?

~ RuPaul

How could I not end this list without a RuPaul quote? And why not the most famous and memorable quote from every episode of Drag Race?

In all seriousness, this quote holds a lot of power for me, but it hasn't held that power until this past year. Getting sober has put me in touch with an inner part of myself that I was neglecting before and helped me realise that in life sometimes there are things that you must pay attention to before you can proceed with some of life's greater offerings.

Similar to the previous quote, there was a time when I rejected the sentiment. I think I used to be extremely desperate to have a partner and potentially part of that is loneliness where I saw the only solution to be someone else. To my knowledge, it's quite common for people to get into relationships because they think the other person's presence will 'fix' them but in reality, these relationships fail miserably, leave them damaged and function as evidence of the internally self-hating beliefs that they deserve to be alone. However, this is confirmation bias. Using evidence from relationships with extenuating factors that led to their failure and not comparing this with evidence of relationships built on the opposite is one-sided. This is what I was doing.

In the past year, I've reconnected with the damaged parts of myself and sought to initiate the slow process of healing them. I understand now that having not even initiated this process meant relationships were never on the cards for me because my brain was always so preoccupied with my feelings and insecurities it had no space or time to show someone else love. Up until this point my desire to be in a relationship had been selfish because all I wanted was someone to love me, but whilst being unable to truly show them the same in return.

My rejection of this quote was because I knew that what it was saying was true. I didn't love myself and am still now only learning to love myself, and that means I'm not going to be able to show someone else the same courtesy that I want from them. I always felt that subscribing to this RuPaul quote meant I was subscribing to the idea that relationships mean no sacrifice or acceptance of each other's flaws and burdens. But a relationship's chance of success is impacted by the mental baggage that I was dealing with and that's not sacrifice, that's impending doom. Would you get on a flight if you knew it had a much higher chance of crashing?

Hearing this quote as much as I did (because I've watched every episode of Drag Race that RuPaul has ever hosted) meant it was embedded into my consciousness. I read The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs and he recommended that if you've embarked on the 3 step process he describes and also looking for a romantic partner then you should only consider someone who has also embarked (or is embarking) on the same process. When I read this, it twinged the memory of RuPaul's quote in my mind and I realised I now agreed with it. Essentially, RuPaul taught me the importance of self-love and re-evaluating your prioritisation of the love of a partner over the love of yourself.

Love is important and romantic love is one of life's added benefits. But loving yourself isn't a benefit of life, it is a requirement of truly living.

In conclusion...

I have many quotes, mottos and lessons that I take from all across my life, but Drag and the art form is a huge part of that. Drag Queens are symbols of pride, authenticity and self-acceptance and I take a lot from their existence, especially their existence on a public stage. I believe that there is an endless amount that we can learn from the vast variety of Drag Queens that are out there. Even in today's society, doing Drag is a brave thing but these queens do it because there is no other way for them to be; Drag is a manifestation of who they truly are and wish to be. Actualising that in front of all of us to see is extremely vulnerable.

I hold importance over a trifecta of qualities; authenticity, vulnerability and compassion. Drag Queens embody the first two by being who they are and by doing so in a public forum. Compassion, the third quality, is epitomised by Drag Queens' self-love and self-acceptance. It takes a lot of both to allow yourself to be authentically yourself and vulnerable in front of strangers. The majority of the time, Drag Queens are symbols of compassion to others too, but turning compassion inwards is what allows you to show true compassion to others without ulterior motives (e.g. people pleasing, selfish progression, romantic or intimate intentions).

We're living in a world currently that is positioning Drag Queens as the folly for its war against Trans people. I've spoken in this list all about Drag Queens but everything I've said is relevant to all forms of Drag and what I'm about to say is too. Drag is far from the evil that it is being painted as, in fact, it is the opposite. Since its creation, Drag has been the art form through which people have learnt, taught and bettered Drag's various communities. And now, due to its promotion to a mainstream stage, society at large benefits in the same way.

I owe a lot to Drag Queens and, as the reader, you can take this list as my love letter of gratitude to any and all Drag artists who have ever imparted a positive lesson to anyone.

~Luke

Can I get an Amen?